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Happy Mother's Day from MomsRising.org

I couldn't resist, even though it doesn't exactly fit.

A bloggy baby shower

I don't think it's too much to call Liz Gumbinner (Mom-101) my dear friend. She and I met at BlogHer last summer and immediately had about 1000 things to say to each other, and that list has gotten longer as time has gone on. This is no mere summer camp buddy...Liz is one of the most thoughtful, intelligent, funny women I've ever met.

SO! Liz! I'm so happy to be invited to your baby shower (thank you, Kristen, Julie, Nancy, and Catherine). You, Nate and Thalia are about to embark on another adventure together. A new miracle is arriving soon, and she will change everything. (What's her name again? Flavia? Nefertiti? Salome? Rex?)

BEST ADVICE I EVER GOT

Relax. Surrender. Everything will be okay. You're going to be wonderful parents -- again.

You've heard it before, but it will be easier this time, because your new daughter is joining a family with two parents, not two blissfully unaware married people.

When I look back on the learning curve from 0-1 child, and then from 1-2 children, it's MUCH flatter. You don't start from scratch when you have a second child -- you already know in your bones about constant interruption, questionable sleep, debilitating love, boobs-from-another-planet, crib sheets, diapers, infrequent romantic opportunity, moments of utter splendor, and all that. Your new baby will join your parenthood-in-progress -- sort of like how, in Little Miss Sunshine, the little girl had to jump onto the moving VW bus. The momentum is already there.

Yes, she will be completely different from Thalia. You will have to discern those differences (and I'd wager you've already gotten plenty of hints by how she's acting in the womb), but you already speak that non-verbal language. You're already bilingual -- you just need to learn a new dialect.

"BEST" ASSVICE I EVER GOT

You know -- I was lucky in the unsolicited parenting advice department. I don't recall getting much (perhaps I've blocked it out). So I'll just give you a general suggestion with respect to unwelcome input: Remember that you know your child best. No amount of well-meaning crap advice can touch you once you internalize that.

Sounds simple, but it's actually quite tricky, because while we know our children, we don't always trust ourselves. I've spent so much time feeling clueless as a parent, flailing around searching for answers, that I'd glom onto any advice that fell anywhere near the mark. It's only when I became willing to sit with the uncertainty, to quiet my search for the immediate answer and grow silent and observant, to listen for the small tremors rather than wait for the big KAPOW! insight, that I began to believe in my inner wisdom.

So much easier to ask a person or a book than to have to be patient and live with the struggle for a time, especially when inner wisdom takes you on a winding journey to the "right" answer. We like straight lines! We want fast answers! We want them now! And who wouldn't, when we're desperate for sleep and/or peace and/or relief? It's hard as hell to be patient with the process. But, sooner or later, answers come.

I'm so happy for you and yours, Liz. Happy happy. What a lucky little girl to get you as her mom. You are amazing.

To Christine and Tammie, who are also guests of honor at this shower: I don't know you, but does that really matter in this bloggy lovefest? I wish you both all the luck in the world.

Technorati Tags: Baby shower, Mom-101

Tantrum as a thing of terrible beauty

How Dutch of Sweet Juniper could transform his two year-old daughter's tantrum into a literary masterpiece, I'll never know. I feel for him, reading the story of the Zoo Visit Gone Bad, but I find myself feeling glad it happened so I could bask in the retelling.

Precious starts with P

My three year-old daughter is enjoying her beginning grasp of phonics. "Mommy starts with M!" she'll tell me, eyes bright, like she just unlocked the key to a secret code.

Today I was telling her about what I consider to be some of her best qualities...her love of animals, for example. Her reply: "Mommy! 'Quality' starts with 'koala'!"

Welcome to the blogosphere, Catherine!

One of my favorite parenting writers, Catherine Newman, has written the final entry in her weekly Babycenter journal, Bringing up Ben and Birdy, and a bittersweet, golden entry it is. She has always inspired me with her conversational humor, her touch of melodrama, and her ability and willingness to describe both the pathos and the ecstasy of motherhood.

Thankfully, she'll continue writing a column called Dalai Mama for Wondertime and some bits for Oprah and FamilyFun magazines. There's her book, Waiting For Birdy, for those of you who want a nice, long drag. And, (hooray!), she's just started a blog. If anyone's voice is made-to-order for blogging, it's hers.

Welcome to the blogosphere, Catherine! So happy we're neighbors! Drop by if you need a cup of sugar!

Blog Book Tour: The Ghost in the House

Parent Hacks is the fourth stop on the MotherTalk Blog Book tour for The Ghost in the House: Motherhood, Raising Children, and Struggling with Depression by journalist Tracy Thompson.

My own transition to stay-at-home motherhood was rocky, and at one point I searched out literature by women whose experiences echoed mine. I read every book, article, essay (and later, blog post) I could find by mothers who were brave enough to reveal their struggles. Suffice it to say that when it comes to literature about motherhood, I'm well-read.

When The Ghost in the House arrived in the mail, I blithely assumed it would be another memoir detailing one woman's difficulty adjusting to motherhood. My jaded attitude surprised me. I am so grateful for the growing body of literature detailing the complexities of motherhood (many of which fly in the face of its popular portrayal), especially those shining light on the demon of postpartum depression. And yet, I found myself resisting reading another story about maternal struggle, perhaps because I've so recently left much of mine behind.

Thank goodness my commitment to this review caused me to crack open the cover, because by page 2, I was hooked.

[Read the rest of this post on Parent Hacks.]

Summer productivity? Isn't that an oxymoron?

When Luke was a preschooler, I viewed the approaching summer, with its yawning spans of Luke's-not-in-preschool, with premature fatigue. As much as I loved the sun (Portland summers are like a three-month party because the weather here's often so dreary), just thinking about summer made me tired.

Something has shifted. Luke is 6 1/2 and Mimi's almost 3, and I am loving summer more than I ever have. I feel more relaxed, less tired, and generally happier than I did during those last two months of school. The house is cleaner, I'm blogging more, I'm more energetic...all this while keeping summer-busy with the kids. We're swimming, we're going to shows, we're reading, we're playing with buddies, we're working in the garden, we're traveling. We've got a list of activities we plan to check off this summer. We're having fun every day.

I think it's because I've been liberated from the school year grind. The relentless schedule, where we have to eat dinner on time so the bath is on time so they're in bed on time so they can get up in time to get to school on time. I had no idea how much that took out of me.

I'll never be one of those moms who always seems to keep all the balls in the air. But we sure are having a good summer. I hope you are, too.

And now for some self-indulgent gushing

My son graduated from kindergarten today.

So often, parenting is a minute-to-minute exercise in NOW. But every so often you get a moment to breathe, to catch a glimpse of that lovely arc of growth your children are on. Six years ago I watched my son tentatively crawl across the living room rug. Today I watched an exuberant, excited boy tumble out the doors of his school and into my arms. A boy who can now read me a book, trounce his dad on the Gameboy, take a shower by himself, and profess eternal love for a girl.

These are the moments that make you forget the sleepless nights and the tantrums. At least for a moment. One golden moment.

Now I feel *really* bad

After snapping at my daughter for a minor annoyance, I quickly realized I was the one being unreasonable, and I apologized.

Me (38), sighing: I'm sorry I lost my temper, honey.
Mimi (almost 3), sighing: It's okay, Mommy.

Pause.

Suddenly, Mimi made a quick grabbing motion with her hand and then showed me her closed fist.

Me: What is it, sweetie?
Mimi, opening her hand wide: Look, Mommy! I found your temper!

New essay in "Off Our Backs"

My essay, Gender Rolling, appears in this month's "Feminism and Motherhood" issue of Off Our Backs: The Feminist Newsjournal. (Perfect timing, given the recent creation of MomsRising.org.) The essay is about how my habitual, practically inborn feminism took a beating when I found out I was pregnant with a girl.

I wrote the essay over three years ago, when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, Mimi. To say "I wrote it," as if it were a discreet event, is misleading: this thing has been through so many edits it only mildly resembles its first incarnation.

Over the years I've submitted Gender Rolling to several print- and Web publications and an anthology, and been rejected by all. A couple near misses, and very kind (even apologetic) rejection letters, but still. I'm not usually one to worry much about rejection, given how fundamental a part of the process it is. But this was getting painful. Three years, for God's sake.

When Off Our Backs accepted it...to say I was excited...well. Indeed I was. My essay would finally see the light of day. But, even more, I was surprised the editors' choice to include it because the essay illustrates the tension between my feminist ideals and my relatively traditional day-to-day life. I respect them for gathering such a diverse collection of material, and I'm proud to be a part of such a long-standing publication (started in 1970).